For years I just went with the flow, didn’t consciously think about or have any real drive to do anything. I fell into becoming a photographer, it was easy for me so I must have had some natural talent. But it’s not something that I woke up one day and thought it’s what I want to do. I fell in and out of love, but never felt a strong connection to my old relationships once they were over. I sometimes felt like I could be in a room full of people but was completely alone. Like no one understood or cared about who I was or what was happening with me. but I seemed to spend lots of time listening to and helping others. I was investing lots of time in the dramas of others, but was not receiving the same kind of support back from them.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing family. So, I knew down deep I was loved which I am so grateful for. I knew that they cared and I knew they had my back if I needed them. But what I realised somewhere along the way was that I needed to consciously invest time in building the connections to others that I wanted. To find likeminded people that I connected with and keep those connections alive. To find genuine friendships, people who I could open up to and talk honestly and openly with about anything. True friendships are not easy to find. Friends come and go during our life. some are there because of our environment such as school friends and work colleagues. Some will be part of our life forever and sometimes we might disconnect for years but then find our way back to friends again. When we have experiences together and make memories together we become invested in that friendship and we will always have memories to start new conversations with.
I have seen so many relationships of friends break down over the years and in hindsight I could have predicted my divorce had I not been so intertwined in the drama of it all. I was in a bad place by the time I left that situation, and changed my life dramatically the day I walked away. I think it was around that time that I started to wake up and started to see how my life had just run its own course without me having much control over it.
That was when I came to the conclusion that if you don’t use your mind, your mind uses you. If you don’t consciously take control of what you want in life, who you want in your life, and how you want your life to be, you will just go with the flow and you will justify in your own mind why this life you have is ok.
It is so much easier to just roll with what life throughs at you. You don’t have to think so much about what to do tomorrow, you just go with whatever happens. You deal with whatever happens as it happens. You find drama fills your day as you try to survive what is being thrown at you. You might think that the world is against you and that you don’t deserve this. The chatter that you speak to yourself will convince you that this is not your fault. You will see things that your brain will use to convince you that what you believe is true. It’s not easy to take off these glasses and seek other point of view.
In hindsight, I could see that I was looking for (searching for even) something to explain to me why I was so lost. So unsatisfied with my life. Why is it that life could be so difficult? I had a great childhood, and a cruise career, and was well respected yet I still felt like I wasn’t enough!! I would listen to the devastating stories of others and be amazed that they could live through things that I could not even imagine, so why did I even have the right to feel like I did. I felt like no one understood how I felt, I was alone, and I was lost. When you are lost it is easy to fall into just existing and living every day. Not caring about what direction your life heads and making the daily dramas exhaust you.
I delved into tarot cards, crystals, and all sorts of divine intervention. I spent hours searching for new information and working on my own personal development. There is so much rubbish out there in today’s world that it’s hard to find the nuggets of gold. And often when I did find them, I would only then go on to find more information that then made me think differently again. Every day I now wake up a different person than I was yesterday. Every day I learn something new or have a new experience or a new thought. But now I live awakened. I no longer do busy work for the sake of being busy. I pick and choose what is important to me. who is important to me. and I make time for those things.